I have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
i’ m so ugly, when i go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
i love to dress like an unmade bed.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bull$hit.
I don’t really give a fuck what the general public think.
like yesterday,my girlfriend said to me in bed ‘you’re a pervert’ I said, ‘that’s a big word for a girl of nine’.
If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as brad pitt’s fingertips.
i think you don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I’m not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they’re busy.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Angelina Jolie was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.
I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.
it was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
i went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. “Surprise me”, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my girlfriend.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax.
I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.
i think if God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
I am a man of few words and a thousand obscene gestures.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 20 years.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don’t have a license to kill.i have a learner’s permit.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
I used to be a necrophiliac… until the rotten cunt split on me.
I’m not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.
My girlfriend said I’ve got the biggest cock she’d ever seen,
That’s one of the benefits of going out with a 9 year old.
When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realized God didn’t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, “you’re next.”
They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she’s considered a “slut”
Yet if a guy does it…he’s considered a “homosexual”
